By the third week, I went into the death spiral. I had too much time on my hands and I started to get mad at God and people. What started out as frustration over not having my laptop-lifeline, turned into a whirlwind of negative emotions.
I began to question why my life was so difficult as a quadriplegic. I began to hate not having control of my body and having to rely on others for everything from hygiene to turning the volume up on the TV. I started creating anxiety driven scenarios.
What if someone comes in my room at night and attacks me and I have no way to defend myself?
What if I somehow lose my ability to speak and cease to be able to use my voice recognition software that allows me to connect with the world?
What if? What if? What if?
And then these came to mind:
"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name." -- Hebrews 13:15 (NIV)
"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." -- Psalm 42:11 (NIV)
Somewhere in the midst of all those negative thoughts, I had lost sight of God. I had lost sight of his power, his compassion, and his unchanging character. My prayers were few and far between and were more like complaints than times of praise and honor to God.