When Hitting Reset Doesn't Work

Written by  Kasia Kedzia -- Northern Virginia, USA Tuesday, 12 December 2017 00:00

kasia kedziaIt was Sunday afternoon when the facetime call came in from overseas. "Hey, how are you?!" she said with a smile. Out of what seemed like nowhere my chest tightened and tears welled up in my eyes. "Not so good," I blurted out as though someone else had taken control of my body.

That's not what I wanted to say but it was the truth and in this safe space that was my friend's presence I was suddenly falling apart.

"And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, "Let me go, for the day has broken." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." And he said to him, "What is your name?" And he said, "Jacob." Then he said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed." -- Genesis 32:24-30 (ESV)

I had been silently wrestling with God for two weeks and losing; that's what it felt like. I was suffering from a major case of FOMO (fear of missing out) and it was showing. My joy of being in the moment and gratitude for where I am was muscled out by anxiety and ingratitude around where I was not.

"Why do you fight and quarrel? It is because your feelings are fighting inside of you. That is why you fight. You want something but you cannot get it. Then you kill. You want something very much and cannot get it. So you quarrel and fight. You do not get it because you do not ask God for it. You ask for it, but you do not get it, because you ask in a wrong way. You want to use it for yourselves and not for others." -- James 4:1-3 (WE)

In moments when I feel lonely or long for something not yet meant for me, I feel a pull for attention and validation in unhealthy proportions. Wanting to be wanted is a real thing. It can show up anywhere, at any time. When it does, I look to satisfy the feeling with validation at work, from friends and even from my workouts.

When this longing feeling shows up, whatever form it may be in that given moment, I am unwilling to relent until the feeling is satisfied. When I feel like I'm missing out I start to fight God for what I think I deserve, instead of turning to God for comfort. I need a reset.


Read 419 times Last modified on Monday, 11 December 2017 16:52